So here’s where I’m at now…

I thought as you get older, you stop caring what people think. That’s the word on the street, the big promise about aging- “I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. I don’t give a damn anymore, it’s My time now. Free at last!”

It ain’t true.

If it were, we would see lines and movement in the faces of our Hollywood actresses. Instead, they’re talking about “self- care,” or even worse, the work they got done and the Doctor who did it. In other words, it’s simply not an option to Just Not Do Something and age.

The few who bare their actual lined faces are deemed Brave. So looking like a normal human being equals surviving wartime.

I still worry and get nervous about what people think. Not about aging, but about everything. In other words, I’m still me. My gut reactions are what they are.

The difference now is I have that thing called perspective. I’ve lived enough to know my biggest worry today will probably be forgotten tomorrow, the underlying knowledge of the passage of time. I’m not running for the hills at the first sign of discomfort anymore.

I’m now steadily walking for the hills. At an even pace to save my joints.

Here is the wisdom I’ve gained- go to the gym regularly, take reasonable care of myself, and just keep moving. If I’m reactive (as my family has reminded me on way too many occasions) then I’ll keep reacting as I move through it to get to the other side.

So here’s the secret to life: Walk instead of running to protect your knees. Leave the fast running to the young and inexperienced. It’s called Big Picture. And it only comes with age. I’m not thrilled with the lines on my face. I might not embrace them but I’ll accept them.

My value system can help me figure out my goals. I’m not a social justice warrior. I’m not out to change the world. I respond to and need authenticity. And I want to be present here and now. I’ll have to figure out what that means.

I want to act. But without the auditioning. I just refuse to figure out my type. Too traumatized from years of trying to fit my square type into a round hole. Just want it on my terms now. Only I need to figure out what “it” is.