Why

is this a conversation we’re not having?

I’m rudderless. Parents gone. Children heading out the door. Some goals met, some deferred, some whisked away. Firmly in middle age, though my maturity level might bely that fact. Internally I’m all over the map.

Menopause is a hot topic. Parents dying is nothing new. Kids going away to college? Ho hum. Health challenges, financial changes, looming retirement… done to death.

All at once? Seriously??

I’ve pursued goals, yet spent a lifetime functioning reactively. As a daughter, then wife, and most proudly, full time mom.

Now, a daughter no more, still a wife to a husband struggling with his own issues, and a mother whose kids are traveling towards their own paths.

My point: I’m rudderless. At sea. It’s not freeing, it’s just… weird. Easy to say I’m my own Northstar, but no idea how to live that intentionally. Instead I freeze, almost waiting to be told my next move, but with enough insight to be resentful if I don’t take advantage of this newfound position. After all, isn’t this my moment to shine, finally on my own terms? Cue the orchestra for My Moment.

But I freeze. Unsure what is the “right move,” angry at myself for not jumping into my new life. Is there something wrong with me? Got issues for sure.

So, this is clearly a conversation to have. How does one become their own Northstar, if only by default?

I don’t know yet. Grab a telescope and let’s start searching.